Inside Celia

celia_lovelock @ 2008-07-18T01:36:00

2008-07-18T00:39:50Z

...longtime no see

Have not been on here for some time and am sorry for my absences. Had a very hectic time of it, especially with the move and did not have such free and easy net access. I always feel like my life semi stops when I can't get my daily fix of internet - which should make me feel more sad than it does.

Am off to Wales tomorrow for a meet up with an old friend. Despite my normal ice queen -esque nature I have been quite affected by a number of events this past month and feel a change of scenery is in need.

Whilst doing my undergrad my father unexpectedly died. Whilst my brother was identifying the body I was taking notes in a lecture about invasive plant species. I did some laundry and organised a night at the pub. I can remember almost every detail about that day. The time I woke up, texts recieved, the underwear I wore. It was his birthday the other week. Sometimes when I am worrying about relationships or my hair becoming frizzy on a humid day I stop and catch myself and feel so utterly ashamed for even allowing such thoughts to cross my mind. How can I even breath let alone think about such things when everything in the world is so wrong now he has gone?

It has been 3 years. Time does not heal - it just makes you get used to it

celia_lovelock @ 2008-06-28T12:07:00

2008-06-28T11:16:59Z

Am currently in bed trying not to move too much as my stomach is not pleased with me. Went for celebratory drinks last night as its is the end of the academic year and all my hardwork seems to have paid off. S came too and i was reminded how much i enjoy his company and that not all men are bastards (although he is just a boy really). He also had a rather fetching friend who is again far too young for me but was some eye candy none the less.

Think I threw a glass at somone, fell over and tried to have a party in my house at 4am. Am probably too old for all that but was good to be with friends and remember how much I enjoyed my life before 2 year crush decided to predate upon me.

Am looing forward to a chilled afternoon. BBQ, Morrissey and tea.

... I bet Morrissey is a right shit.

celia_lovelock @ 2008-06-22T14:00:00

2008-06-22T13:01:54Z

Manic few weeks

Well 2 year crush and I are over. My best friends brother turned out to be none other than a cad. Had a series of texts that were, on reflection, a bit too overly complementery. He came to stay, told me how amazing I was but there always a focus on the physical side. He got his end away and promised to see me this weekend. A couple of texts later.. a few days of no contact and then a cancellation text on saturday morning. Well I did find it hard to hold back so I sent an immature text saying simply "whatever" which I did then apologise for. I rang him though and started to brake it off, hoping he may protest and prove that it wasn't all in my head. He did not though, said he had been having doubts for a while (! then what was last weekend all about!). He was after only one thing. He came, he got it, he fucked off. Not one fucking phone call... not one since we spent the night together.

Conclusion? Cad.

Have also been in the home counties doing some work for an environmental consultancy so been away from home.

Hope all my dear readers are well.

Cx

P.S He then said my text had thrown him and that he didn't want to be with someone like that. A convenient excuse me thinks!

celia_lovelock @ 2008-05-30T14:17:00

2008-05-30T13:16:35Z

Have just reached the end of my current deadlines and am having some time off. My ongoing research can afford some slack time so I am off visiting friends soon. Have not been updating my journal due to the work pressure and know the instant I am on the net I will frequent a whole multitude of non relevant websites that would have eatern into the little time I did have.

Went out on a celebratory crawl around the local bars and pubs last night. Never knew how rough this city is until I almost got run over and had glass bottles thrown at me in the street. Am a feq quid shorter than I thought I would be but I guess thats the unkown price you pay for getting yourself into a stouper.

Am seeing 2 year crush over the weekend. He rang me and casually asked if I fancied doing anything. Yes I do. very much so.

x

celia_lovelock @ 2008-05-19T23:01:00

2008-05-19T21:48:06Z

Heard very unexpectedly from someone I have had a bit of a crush on for a few years. Am surprised as we only know each other through someone else and this is the first time I have had any communication with him without the third party.

It was only a message saying hi but still I'm grinning like the Cheshire cat.

celia_lovelock @ 2008-05-19T17:38:00

2008-05-19T16:21:38Z

Have a cold. Have big deadlines to meet. Am in dressing gown hugging cuppasoup.

This sucks.

celia_lovelock @ 2008-05-18T14:56:00

2008-05-18T13:52:36Z

A deeper shade of orange?

...discovered statistics are nowhere near as painful when accompanied by a good foot massage.

The sun is out today after a dismally wet end to last week. Although I have to sit inside with a folder full of notes I am at least dressed in the spirit of summer. Whilst everyone else however is a little unsure about exposing their winter white skin during the first flush of warm weather I am not, as I retain my milky appearance all year round. And for those that think I ought to be surprised by own paleness "gosh arent you pale!" I am well aware of my skin tone, and for those that ask "have you considered fake tan?" - yes of course I bloody have and no I do not want to use it. I'm sorry, is my natural skin colour offensive to your bottle derived orange glow?

celia_lovelock @ 2008-05-17T14:20:00

2008-05-17T13:30:15Z

67% of statistics are made up on the spot

E's extended birthday celebrations have left me with a hangover whilst trying to battle with some statistics. E is fond of a drink or two and his happy manner unfortunately rubs off on those around him. He continues to coerce the French guys we know into having "just one more drink" and they have started to fit in all too well with your average lairy Friday-nighter. Had a cold shower to try and awaken myself but ended up slumping on the sofa with a cup of tea and birthday cake. S is still of an age where alcohol leaves him totally unaffected the next day and he is full of exuberance, running around almost puppy like playing with a toy sword that was seized last night on the dance floor. I have escaped to my room under the pretence of doing some work – which is partially true. I do have work strewn across my desk. I looked at it briefly.

Haven’t got a lot panned for the next few weeks besides work. It is nearly the end of the semester and I have a few deadlines to meet. Still, at the end of the academic year the undergrads will all go back home, leaving the campus quite deserted. I am happy to have them all gone and look forward to many long, hot summer days without a lot of over excited adolescents giving me a headache. I do however have to move house and my next abode is likely, at this rate, to be a friends floor. Note to self – must sort out accommodation.

Think I’ll have another cuppa and then immerse myself in logistic regression analysis. What a weekend.

C x

celia_lovelock @ 2008-05-16T01:32:00

2008-05-16T00:49:41Z

Bad friend, bad fling

I am both of these.

Forgot it was Es bday and brushed him off when asked round for a meal - with no attempt to even hide my lack of enthusiasm. Realised later and turned up as though I had always meant to and made some poor excuse about working holding me up. The evening wasn't so bad. We watched the apprentice and of course told ourselves that we could do much better.

Have been trying to avoid S today. The situation is complicated. He is my housemate, the one I have accidently become involved with. He is several years younger than I though we hit it off straight away. Despite having had a few gfs he claims I am his first love. Given that I am to leave this city within the next few months this isnt what I was hoping to hear and I feel really rather guilty for having gotten myself into this situation. However, he was well aware of my plans, my lack of commitment and the fact that it was highly unlikely this could ever go anywhere. But whilst I can tell myself these facts I still feel that I haven't acted right throughout. Still it has happened and the pain will come whether it ends now or later. Unfortunately while I have been through this all before I don't think he has.

S was out with friends on his course the other night, come home intoxicated and professed his love for me at 2.30am. He also told me in detail about the play fighting he had partaken in during the day, covering his shorts in grass stains. I sent him off to bed by closing the door on him. Incidents like this only confirm my feelings that things will fizzle out. I think, for my part, out of sight will be out of mind. Avoiding him has much the same effect, therefore making me feel less like the fuckwit I really am.

Am I thinking too much? Is it really so bad to just enjoy the ride without caring about the destination?

Will sleep on this.
C x

celia_lovelock @ 2008-05-14T02:18:00

2008-05-14T01:01:17Z

The beginning of a beautiful friendship?

I already feel I am posting far too much on my journal and will soon have nothing to write about other than livejournal itself. I’m sure it will die down… soon.

Despite a very lax start to the day I did manage to have a few productive hours. I am currently using a computer programme to do some environmental modelling and managed to make a few hours progress. Also I managed to arrange a meeting for tomorrow with a lecturer to discuss some issues with my research and rounded the day off with a few hours reading research papers in the library until gone midnight.

Socially too the day ended up being less dry than I had imagined. I bumped into an old housemate of mine, L, and we shared a coffee whilst having a catch up. Have decided I should see more of her, despite the fact we disagree on almost every aspect of human life (she is a Christian, I am a heathen).

I also ran into an ex of mine, and although the experience is always tinged with some awkwardness today’s chance meeting was a little less awkward then most. I let him do the talking, mostly he spoke about conspiracy theories associated with the masons and his outrage at the criminalisation of cannabis – these topics currently are his flavour of the month. Last month it was how scandalous student loans are and the 24 hour drinking laws. I can never feel totally comfortable around him though. Especially as he told me, albeit when drunk, that he would pay me to sleep with him again.

C

celia_lovelock @ 2008-05-13T13:23:00

2008-05-13T12:28:08Z

Morning!

I woke begrudgingly at 12.30, woken by a text from E. I have only known him for about a year but I like him very much. He is extremely sociable and always ensures I have something to do on a wet weekend. We were somewhat inebriated last night and have both missed the 9am talk on post graduate qualifications (not sure what it was about to be honest). We were supposed to attend.

I rang him briefly.

E "How was the talk?"

Me "I couldn’t hear it from my bed but I’m guessing it went well."

E "I’m feeling awful too, was a great night though."

Me "Was I drinking out of a test tube?"

E "There are some ace photos from last night, X kissing Y, X stroking Z, you looking confused."

Me "Great, and they will appear on (a social networking site we all know and love/hate) today?"

E "You have to ask?"

Me "I hate it when people respond to a question with a question"

Etc. etc.

X and Y and Z are coincidentally all straight men, although E and I suspect X is, at the very least, a little curious. X is French, but even so, I don’t think stroking is a typical European greeting is it?

The night was ok, but the club is most definitely not the best nightclub in the world. It is frequented by students who don’t care what the drinks taste like or what hang over they give you so long as they are drunk on less than a fiver. The girls toilets are a "sit and hold" job (girls will know what I mean) and the floor has mysterious moist patches. I go there often and have learnt to appreciate the management’s attempt at sarcasm with regards to their "best nightclub" tagline.

I think we should take note at how other countries enjoy their drink. The French and Finish guys I go out with do not drink to excess (well they didn’t when they first came here) and the girls dress with simple but sexy sophistication. My European housemate asked me once "why do English girls dress so slutty?" Why indeed.

I never did find out if I drank from a test tube.

C x

celia_lovelock @ 2008-05-13T03:00:00

2008-05-13T01:51:50Z

I want to be faithful to my new blog and so am logging on briefly after my night in what is apparently "the best nightcub in the world." Have just spent almost an hour walking home as my housemate and I had to accompany a friend home. Have a 9am start. Ugh.

celia_lovelock @ 2008-05-12T18:57:00

2008-05-12T17:55:20Z

I was surprised but pleased today to find that people had not only bothered to read my journal but that they had actually made a comment. It is nice to know I am not unburdening myself solely to the livejournal hard disk space. I am about to go and enjoy the remainder of the days sun by drinking imitation pimms from a plastic cup. I want to celebrate the completion of a report I did for a local company (and thank my supervisor for having the inability to pick up on my typos).

NB After posting last night on a forum for a UK based community I referred to Wales by using a lower case W. Clearly I would hate to offend a whole nation of people by not properly applying pressure to the shift key, but I do hope that this offence can be overlooked given my sleep deprived state at 1am. Again, my sincerest apologies.

celia_lovelock @ 2008-05-12T01:31:00

2008-05-12T00:46:32Z

I guess this is the start. I have no idea where or when it ends. It has gone 1am and I have, as usual, a whole host of things to do tomorrow, none of which will get done, due to my tiredness at being up late yet again. I enjoy these morning hours though, when I can be alone and be so utterly selfish with my time.

I have not yet read any of the blogs on this site and am not sure if I ever will. I am here purely for my own satisfaction. I want to rid myself of my typical English reserve and relieve myself of things I would otherwise allow to fester and would normally only discuss with myself. I am not a bad person, but I am by no means completely good. I am however, I guess, quite normal, I’m on middle moral ground I think. I am just like everyone else only I am actually going to admit to things that most people would probably be in denial about, even to themselves. I am however still a fraud, for I am doing this from the comfort of my own home and with the anonymity that is afforded to me by using a free and easily accessible social networking website. Ah…. I feel I am at the confessional only without having to face the priest on the way out.

I should probably introduce myself a little, but I wouldn’t believe the half of it if I were you. I am a student at a British University. A postgraduate who, after a mere year out in the world of post education, decided to delve right back in and hide and delay the inevitable. I am living in typical student accommodation, where windows are draughty and where you wear shoes to protect your feet from the carpets. I live with rather an odd mix of people. We were all somewhat desperate and formed a bit of a last minute union to find a house together. I have unfortunately fallen into some sort of liaison with of them, but I will not bore you of the details just yet.